Thursday, August 18, 2005

Looking Back


1. 1977 - Samuel Smithson v. Will Crowther
Mr. Smithson alleges that a videogame known as "Adventure" (programmed by Mr. Crowther) was responsible for the loss of his precious illiteracy.

2001 - Marc L v. Namco
The plaintiff charges that years of watching Pac-Man gobble yellow dot after yellow dot led to his current eating disorder and the crippling obesity he has had to deal with for the last twenty years. Said Mr. L, "I just remember all that time in the arcade, watching him consume and consume, hounded by googly-eyed ghosts, eating more and more pellets until he found one that let him drive back the monsters threatening to overtake him. Every time I felt the ghosts in my life closing in, I just kept eating and eating until I found the strength to beat them back . . . for a time."

3. 1989 - Chrisopolous v. Data East Inc and Bally Midway Mfg Co
A female identified only as Chrisopolous is suing both developer and manufacturer of the videogame "Burger Time", which she claims condemned her to working in the Fast Food industry for the past seven years. Her lawyer, Hampton Jocks, spoke on her behalf. "My client has been brainwashed by this horrendous leviathan-machine, this quarter-munching prostitute. This is not a game, this is a sandwich-making simulator. I urge all Americans to overreact by waving their guns in the air. By some act of viciousness or pure ugly spit we will win this one."

4. 1995 - People v. the Super Mario Bros (series)
A class-action suit was filed by Americans from all fifty states, alleging that they were encouraged by rambunctious platform-jumping in Nintendo's titles to perform dangerous maneuvers which resulted in ankle sprains and shin splints caused by repeated hopping as well as major head traumas from attempting to shatter objects with their skulls (most notably blocks of red bricks). Also in the paperwork are instances of ingesting feathers and then attempting to fly, consuming various kinds of mushrooms in order to promote growth (causing a fatality last March) and leaping face-first into large paintings (commonly in public art galleries).

5. 1949 - The People of Germany v. HG Wells
The citizens of both East and West Germany have filed suit against the estate of HG Wells in International Court, claiming that Wells' popular recreational wargame "Little Wars", published in 1913, influenced Adolf Hitler and caused him to plunge the entire world into a horrendously destructive war.

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