Saturday, March 25, 2006

Complaint Department

Ahh, forums
. Where good English goes to die a gruesome death.

After much analysis, I have rendered the perfect post for those times when a game fails to work on your "perfect rig."

Be sure to open a new topic and post this under every single heading regardless of pertinence. And remember the secret mantra, "No matter what, it cannot be a problem on my end."

Topic: OMGWTF?! This game is shit and I am cutting off my hands in protest.
Name: VentruYoshiDanteKillzU54

I bought this game and tried to run it on my awesome setup -- 54000 Ghz Quantum Computer with like a billion terabytes of RAM and the newest video card that's so new it's not even out yet but I have an inside source -- and the stupid crap game won't even boot up.

Unacceptable! Nay, criminal!

I can't comprehend how a pc game could not be tested for the infinite number of possible configurations of both hardware and software. I have no concept of going from approximately 30 dedicated, in-house testers to several hundred thousand customers running with completely different equipment and setups. I also don't understand that even with the same specs I might be using hardware from a different manufacturer. Materiality does not concern me, for my computer's essence is pure.

There is no way in hell that I'm doing anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with my machine. I know everything there is to know about drivers and registries and .dlls and everything else. I even hacked into the Windows source code and looked for errors with a hex editor. Nothing.

I fail to recognize the difference between a console, which has a controlled, centralized mode of operation and PCs, which vary wildly from system to system. Everything should work perfectly right out of the box because software should never be released with bugs. No other games ever come out with bugs and I've never had problems running Quake 15 on a 90 inch plasma with 20x super-antialiasing at 1000 frames per second.

Even if other people have had problems with other games that doesn't concern me because only my problem is relevant and those other people are probably idiots who have a problem on their end.

The testers deserve bamboo shoots under their fingernails and they should pay me for all the work I'm doing to make their game run on my system -- plus they probably don't even speak English and eat orphans and hate gamers and have a personal vendetta against me and my turtle. Fuck those testers and fire them all, they were obviously slacking off since they couldn't discover every possible error in a complex system. I don't give a shit about the months they sacrificed to crunch time.

This game was totally released unfinished and it's garbage and now I'm going to cry myself to sleep.

PS - if they had delayed the game to allow more time for testing I would be on these forums bitching about how the company can't meet milestones and that they aren't doing any work and they hate their fans and they're sipping tequila while they bang models in hottubs.

Note: This isn't directed at anything in particular. I swear.

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