Saturday, July 30, 2005

In The Navy

I couldn't help but click on the link.

I guess the Navy decided that the best way to represent the mind-numbing labor you'd have you do during your enlistment was with a crazy-ass videogame that has you, so far as I can tell by the screenshots, blowing all hell out of humongoid lanternfish and connecting puzzle pieces a la Pipe Dream.

I didn't bother playing it since they require registration. And the last thing I need is some pansy-ass Squid calling me up for bellbottom duty.

Of course, this smells of desperation.

America's Army, at least, attempted to give you a basic sampling of training: Pick up this gun and shoot shit.

This Navy game, by their description, appears to be a more abstract evaluation. Possibly a sort of graphical ASVAB. Reflexes, puzzle-solving, mechanical inclination, shit like that, pushed into a game kind of framework.

I'm always amused by how the military is represented in the gaming industry. Hell, I'm amused at how it's represented in all media.

Which seems a good time to mention my favorite recently-spotted porno title: Navy Girls Love Semen.

The worst thing I can say about games produced by the military is that they're dull. This is unsurprising. The rule in the Marine Corps seemed to be: If you're dealing with people you work with everyday, be as offensive as possible; If you're dealing with anybody else, be as unassuming and vague as possible.

Military games produced by the gaming industry, by contrast, are almost always ridiculously over-the-top. They're also riddled with some of the most banal stereotypes I've ever seen.

If you're wondering where this rant is coming from, just take a peek at the Gamespot Quake 4 preview.

Try again, guys.

Ooh, a tough-as-nails officer with a troubled past. Everybody respects him, though.

Fuck that. How about an incompetent political kiss-ass? And when he gives you a stupid, contradictory order, you're given a choice of several responses, and if you pick a smartass one you get written up and busted-down and suddenly the game becomes "burn that shitter."

A Master Sergeant that loves the Corps? Wow, what a stretch. And despite severely injuring Marines during training, they still give him authority? Yeah, right. That dog woulda been neutered quick.

How about a Master Sergeant that constantly tells you what a mistake it was to enlist? About how he's missed every important thing in his life, he missed his own mother's death because he was shipped off on some bullshit, budget-justifying training op.

A musclebound gentle giant? You're killing me, here.

How about a big guy that's a lunkheaded jackass? And he still does his job. And at times he's a dick but other times he's helpful? And he bitches all the time about orders but gets them done anyway?

How about a real human being?

Granted, those descriptions are static. It will remain to be seen exactly how those personalities come to life in the game.

But I'm just getting tired of these idealized cliche-factory military games.

Shit, Conker's Bad Fur Day seemed more accurate to me.

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