Thursday, June 02, 2005

Stop Uwe Now


This is not
a post on video games but a post related to video games.

I subjected myself to Alone in the Dark. I will post my thoughts at random, in the same manner that the film presented plot and images at random.

Tara Reid used to be merely a cinematic nuisance to me, someone to gloss over - I've never found her attractive in the slightest, or interesting, or competent, but when she inhabits a throwaway role she does all right. This movie makes her glaring shoddiness absolutely visible. She's playing a scientist, but couldn't even convince me that she's acting like a stripper pretending to be a scientist.

Christian Slater's soooo dreamy, but it looks like he can no longer discern between good roles and a paycheck. Talk hard!

I wasn't upset by House of the Dead, because that game was pretty much plotless zombie-shooting, which the movie version captured.

The Alone in the Dark game, however, was slow and atmospheric. It ushered in the era of survival-horror (for good or ill) and experimented with cinematic camera angles (not always successfully). It did a very good job of making the player feel weak and powerless against the bad things coming to get them. It made people feel, yes, alone in the dark, at least at times.

The movie does a good job of being the stupidest thing I've ever seen, while somehow making every scene with Tara Reid stupider than the entire movie, which if quantified would lead to a paradox that would, god willing, cause the film to devour itself Poltergeist-house-style.

I've seen this stupid movie before, when it was called The Relic. The female lead in that movie was much, much better. Shit, now I'm remembering The Relic fondly.

What the fuck is this movie about? Is there a narrative here? Who am I supposed to care about? When did it become Starship Troopers? Shit, now I wish I were watching Starship Troopers.

Haha, that chick is screaming on the ground, so they watch as a snake-thing pops up from the dirt and even though they have a clear shot they just fucking watch as it attacks the chick on the ground. These guys are professional.

I totally get it now. Uwe Boll's movies are the gygaxian dungeons of film. He presents scene after scene with only the barest thread between them. The characters undergo random, nonsensical challenges. Here's a monster! Now there's a bad scientist! Now you fell down a hole! Roll 1d6 to see if you can turn off the movie before you die of disgust!

There's like fifteen minutes with no dialogue. That's ballsy. But I have no idea what happened. There was a guy who saw a dead woman. There was a building. Ugly demon things. A helicopter. A tribe of apes learn how to use tools to defeat their enemies -- no, wait, wrong movie (infinitely better fucking movie!).

Stephen Dorff kicks ass. God I wish this were S.F.W instead.

Boll can't even end a fucking movie. He always has to do those damn 'the evil remains' type of endings. Please, please, please don't try to make a sequel.

We have to stop Uwe Boll. The man is absolute shit. He vomits onto celluloid and throws a hip-sounding techno-metal soundtrack over it and gets paid money to do this. How can this be tolerated?

What I don't understand is why he feels the need to make these video game tie-ins. I don't see either brand benefiting from his hatred of moviegoers, moviewatchers, sentient beings, what have you. With Alone in the Dark, those of us that remember the game can't help but be disappointed by Boll's warm-shit-in-your-mouth style of directing, sense of narrative flow and knowledge of any subject matter. Those that don't remember the game are being led to believe that playing it was akin to stabbing porcupine quills into your corneas.

Why can't he just make shitty movies without jacking titles from video games, like with his first few shitty movies?

He plans to keep spreading his filth in a grotesque moving-picture slime trail. He's already got Bloodrayne in post-production and has Hunter: The Reckoning and Far Cry lined up. Can the video game industry please stop being so goddamned desperate for cross-marketing that it hops into any car that pulls over and gives a handjob before seeing any money? Is there any gamer out there that isn't made at least slightly ill at the thought that the 'based on the popular video game' line is sure to be on every preview of his films?

I can't even derive any kind of joy from his movies, the way I did with Super Mario Brothers, wherein I postulated it as a Sitchin-related meditation on devolution with overtones of David Icke's crazy-ass theories.

If I had any power? Bloodrayne directed by Paul Verhoeven. Hunter: The Reckoning directed by John Carpenter. Far Cry directed by Jerry Bruckheimer.

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